the day my world and marriage stood still

soo . . i didn't ask him what i was thinking, ya know, the affair question. i thought to myself, he would be so upset if i did. how could i think that, there is no way.
so on with our lives we went. graduations, birthdays, and our 3 year anniversary. DeWayne was leaving to go out of town at the end of the month. taking a bike trip to Arizona for work with a couple of buddies. on the day he was headed home, i got a call from him. it was a typical day with the kids, lunch, errands, and lastly a trip to walmart. he called to check on BoDe, who had gone to the doctor earlier that day. we had a short conversation and he said he would call me later. that was right after i had got out of walmart. once i got the kids loaded in the car and got on the highway, the phone rang again. it was him. when i told him i was driving home he stated he hoped he would have caught me already at the house. i didnt see why that mattered. he asked me if i remembered asking him if he was happy, and i said yes. my stomach beginning to tighted with anxiety. then he said, well i'm not. umm. . .ok i think was my reaction. what does that mean, what are you saying? divorce? his response. . .yes. i literally think for a split second i blocked everything out and i still to this day dont know how i was able to keep driving. thank you god for keeping your hand on my steering wheel. then i did ask the question that i should have asked 2 weeks ago, are you having an affair? yes he said. with who was my automatic response. when he told me, again, i think god grabbed my steering wheel knowing i was not going to handle his answer well. i remember being short of breath and thinking, this is not real. when is he going to say, "gotcha!" but that never came. i'll come back to what i did next and the confontation with "her." it happened as soon as i found out, and i mean as SOON as i found out! words were said, but i often wish i had said more. or even said some things different. i was to nice. but also nothing had set in yet. i hate to say it, but today would be a different story if ever she wanted to confront or talk to me about it. i'm still very bitter and angry with her. i know i will need to forgive one day, but that day is far from here.

a recap . .

i think to better understand where i am coming from, i need to start several months back. and when i say several, i mean, several.
i look back at our time in Texas, when hurricane Ike hit. i packed up me and the kids and went with DeWayne down there. i wanted to be close to him, after all, that is part of why i stay home and not work. atleast not work outside the home. its to be able to travel with him when he does go out on the road. i love it. thinking back, things were bliss in my mind. we celebrated halloween down there. BoDe's first, Haydyn's second. it was about 8 weeks total we were there. when we got home from that excursion, its time for thanksgiving, then Haydyns birthday (a nemo party that was perfectly planned i might add), christmas, new years, and then finally, the vacation i had been so looking forward to. 3 weeks in Hawaii. returning to the place that has alot of meaning to me. we were married in Hawaii. complete and utter perfection. it brings tears to my eyes thinking back to that day. i was carrying our daughter, just at about 8 weeks and we were surrounded by great friends and family. i often relive that day in my mind. even the whole trip. so the 3 week vacation was amazing. very relaxing. once we were home it was back to everyday life. easter soon came, then BoDe's first birthday. our baby boy was turning one. time had flown by. in that same month, we celebrated birthdays, mothers day, graduations and our 3 year anniversary. it was during that month, maybe the month before as well, i started feeling like D and i werent connected like we used to be. i guess you could say we hit a "rut" or atleast thats what i thought. i still felt like things were perfectly fine between us, just a busy past few months. yes, our love life or intimacy hit a low, and i know i was partly to blame. but i cant take full blame can i? i was home with our 2 young kids and exhausted. D would go out with the "guys", or hang at the car lot, and go to concerts. all without me. i never said a word, until May sometime. "i dont want to be left out," i think was one phrase i used. i went on to say that i didnt feel like we were connecting. i dont think he looked at me the way he used too; the touchy, feely flirting wasnt there. i asked him if he was happy and his response? "happy as i can be." i didnt even think twice about what he said. all i knew was he didnt say no. then another thought came to mind. "are you having an affair?"

the beginning . . .

today i am starting this blog. i have no idea how it is going to go, but what i do know is i need an outlet. somewhere i can voice my concerns, my joys, my fears and everything else that i feel in my everyday life. i feel like the last three and a half months have shed a bright light on me. i've asked myself several times, "do i really know who i am?" am i dewaynes wife? haydyn and bode's mom? of course i am those things, and very much enjoy being those things. but who am i besides that? i'm not sure i can say.
i do not blame in any way dewayne for me feeling this way. do i blame his affair? no, but i do blame it for shining the light on my situation. and while i'm glad i am taking the time to figure out me, and not to say i will have it figured out in a matter of a few months, i hate what it took to open my eyes . . .
not only have i been thinking about "finding myself" but i have also been dealing with the emotional and physical pain of his affair. when will everything go back to what it was? when will i feel relaxed? when will i be able to look at my husband and know for sure he is happy . . .