a recap . .

i think to better understand where i am coming from, i need to start several months back. and when i say several, i mean, several.
i look back at our time in Texas, when hurricane Ike hit. i packed up me and the kids and went with DeWayne down there. i wanted to be close to him, after all, that is part of why i stay home and not work. atleast not work outside the home. its to be able to travel with him when he does go out on the road. i love it. thinking back, things were bliss in my mind. we celebrated halloween down there. BoDe's first, Haydyn's second. it was about 8 weeks total we were there. when we got home from that excursion, its time for thanksgiving, then Haydyns birthday (a nemo party that was perfectly planned i might add), christmas, new years, and then finally, the vacation i had been so looking forward to. 3 weeks in Hawaii. returning to the place that has alot of meaning to me. we were married in Hawaii. complete and utter perfection. it brings tears to my eyes thinking back to that day. i was carrying our daughter, just at about 8 weeks and we were surrounded by great friends and family. i often relive that day in my mind. even the whole trip. so the 3 week vacation was amazing. very relaxing. once we were home it was back to everyday life. easter soon came, then BoDe's first birthday. our baby boy was turning one. time had flown by. in that same month, we celebrated birthdays, mothers day, graduations and our 3 year anniversary. it was during that month, maybe the month before as well, i started feeling like D and i werent connected like we used to be. i guess you could say we hit a "rut" or atleast thats what i thought. i still felt like things were perfectly fine between us, just a busy past few months. yes, our love life or intimacy hit a low, and i know i was partly to blame. but i cant take full blame can i? i was home with our 2 young kids and exhausted. D would go out with the "guys", or hang at the car lot, and go to concerts. all without me. i never said a word, until May sometime. "i dont want to be left out," i think was one phrase i used. i went on to say that i didnt feel like we were connecting. i dont think he looked at me the way he used too; the touchy, feely flirting wasnt there. i asked him if he was happy and his response? "happy as i can be." i didnt even think twice about what he said. all i knew was he didnt say no. then another thought came to mind. "are you having an affair?"